The Many Faces of Motherhood
by Meghan K. Donovan
When I was young, I believed every kid had a family like mine. My parents got married when they were in their late 20s. They had me ten months later and my brother nearly three years later. Mom worked nights as a nurse, Dad worked days in a machine shop. As I grew older and became friends with the other kids in my neighborhood, I began to learn how exceptional my “typical” family of four was (and still is—my parents just celebrated their 33rd anniversary).
I saw a lot of different family situations on the street where I grew up. Mike spent more time with his grandparents than his parents. Jon and Gary’s dad was rarely around, and he eventually left his wife and kids. Mary Jo lived alone with her mother who worked from home. Parul’s father traveled out of the country a great deal, while her mother stayed home and cared for their apartment. In my own family, my cousins Heather, Helene and Kate are half sisters to their older sister Margo.
Growing up around these diverse families taught me there’s more than one way to build a family, even though pervasive stereotypes about what is the right—or wrong—way remain. I set out to discover how some local mothers have created nurturing families despite the stereotypes. I learned the only requirements to building a strong family are love, mutual respect, a healthy dose of patience, and support.
Just ask Amy O’Neill of Brook Park, stepmother to Rick Jr., 24, Shawn, 22, and Dane, 20. “There have been times when I’ve said, ‘I’m not cut out for this,’ but from day one, my husband supported me and made it clear that I was cut out for being a stepmother,” she said. Amy married Rick when she was in her 30s and the boys were 8, 10 and 12. She had to adjust to (in her words), “going from being a single woman living alone to living in a house full of men.” She and Rick have been married 12 years and she says she is still learning all the time.
The role of mother comes with a great deal of responsibility—and many expectations. “Mothers are definitely the heads of the household and usually the primary caregivers in a child’s life,” said Cleveland resident Linda Starks, mother of Kenneth, 26. Linda is a lesbian and was in a long-term partnership for much of her son’s childhood and adolescence.
The women I spoke with are sometimes frustrated with the expectations placed on mothers. Strongsville resident Naomi Lynn, mother of Benjamin, 10, and Hannah, 8, used to work outside the home but made the decision about a year ago to leave her nursing job and become a stay-at-home mother—a full time job in its own right. According to Naomi, “In the U.S., society perceives mothers as superwomen, but they do not get the accolades that they deserve. Society tends to talk out of both sides of its mouth—women my age [mid-30s] were brought up for careers, yet working mothers are judged as not providing for their families.
Some stereotypes and expectations come with the specific situations in which mothers find themselves. Allison Toth of Brook Park, mother of Jennifer, 14, Emily, 12, and Michael, 9, agreed with Linda that “society views mothers as the glue that holds the family together.” She added that society’s perception of adoptive mothers (Emily and Michael were both adopted from Kazakhstan at age 7) is almost saint-like. “When I mention that we adopted two of our children, people say, ‘Oh, that’s a wonderful thing to do for them.’ I feel that we’re the lucky ones to have them in our lives. Adoptive parents also hear, ‘I wish I could do that,’ a lot. If you really want to adopt, set out and do it.
When it comes to negative stereotypes, blended families seem to bear the brunt. “I hear a great deal of negativity about step-families,” said Amy. “People tend to look at step-families and assume that the relationships within them cannot be amicable, when in reality, any family—including a step-family—is what you bring to it and make it.” She added that there is often too much emphasis on “taking a backseat and not getting involved in your step-children’s lives.
Naomi pointed out that even U.S. legislation is less than supportive of mothers. “In many other countries, if a woman chooses to stay home, her job is held for her for longer than 12 weeks [the requirement under the Family and Medical Leave Act], and she may receive a stipend from the government.
Linda takes society’s perception of mothers one step further. “Women in general should have the opportunity to do what they want – raising children alone or with a male or female partner, choosing to work outside the home, taking on all manner of responsibilities,” she said. “Society needs to open its mind about women’s abilities.
Though the lives of these four women differ in many ways, they responded similarly when asked about the challenges of motherhood. Linda said her greatest challenge was, and still is sometimes, “getting Kenneth to understand that it’s OK to trust me because I am looking out for his interests.” Amy agreed that building trust in her relationships with her step-sons presented a challenge for her initially as well. “I had to find a balance of getting them to understand that I’m an adult and would like to be a positive influence in their lives, but I am not trying to replace their mother,” she said.
Allison’s challenges are unique to her situation. But there is a common thread with the circumstances of many mothers. Allison said the language barrier posed a problem initially – neither Michael nor Emily spoke any English before coming to America. Children do not start school until age 8 in Kazakhstan, so going to school was a “huge transition” for them. On a universal note, she said that “juggling so many busy schedules and getting the kids everywhere they need to go” is her greatest challenge now.
Naomi talked about the internal and external challenges. “Working outside the home, I asked myself, ‘Am I doing enough for my kids?’ As a stay-at-home mom, I ask myself, ‘Am I challenging my mind enough?’ When I worked, I didn’t have the time that I wanted to do everything, but now that I have that time, sometimes I wonder if I am contributing in the way that I ‘should’ be.” Many mothers ride this see-saw. In the end, each has to reconcile her feelings and be comforted that she chose the best path for her family’s situation.
What is the greatest reward of motherhood? Linda’s answer was emphatic: “Unconditional love!” She is also pleased that her son Kenneth is following in her footsteps; Starks spent 13 years in the Army and Kenneth is currently serving in the Army.
Naomi agreed with Linda about the reward of unconditional love. An additional bonus for her is that now she has the time and energy to keep up with the household and help out at school. She said she judges herself far less than she did when her children were younger and she was working outside the home.
Allison said her “children’s smiles” are her greatest reward. She enjoys “when they accomplish something or reach a goal and are proud of themselves,” and watching them grow and change. “In Kazakhstan, Michael didn’t make eye contact or speak above a whisper. Here, he’s a happy boy and is the class clown. His personality seemed to change instantly--as soon as our flight touched down in the U.S.,” she said.
Meghan K. Donovan is a creative spirit who moonlights as an administrative assistant and freelance writer. She lives in North Royalton with her two cats, Oliver and Rocky. She can be reached at neocreativegenius@gmail.com.
Motherhood Resources
For adoptive mothers and families considering adoption:
The Whole Life Adoption Book: Realistic Advice for Building a Healthy Adoptive Family
by Jayne E. Schooler
For mothers working outside the home
(especially expectant mothers):
Everything a Working Mother Needs to Know About
Pregnancy Rights, Maternity Leave, and Making Her Career Work for Her
by Anne Cicero Weisberg
The Working Mother Book of Time: How to Take It, Make It, and Savor It
by Catherine Cartwright
For stay-at-home mothers and mothers considering
staying at home:
From High Heels to Bunny Slippers: Surviving the Transition From Career to Home
by Christine Conners
For lesbian mothers and lesbians who want children:
Families of Value: Personal Profiles of Pioneering Lesbian and Gay Parents
by Robert Bernstein
For stepmothers, potential stepmothers
and divorced mothers:
Stepwives: 10 Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Stepmothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First
by Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood and Louise Oxhorn.
For divorced, widowed, and other single mothers:
The Single Mother’s Companion: Essays and
Stories by Women
Edited by Marsha R. Leslie
In general:
The Wall Between Women: The Conflict Between
Stay-at-home and Employed Mothers
by Beth Brykman
The Gift of Motherhood: 10 Truths for Every Mother
by Cherie Carter-Scott
The Mother Trip: Hip Mama’s Guide to Staying Sane
in the Chaos of Motherhood
by Ariel Gore
The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Making the Most of
Your Life as a Mom
by Ann Pleshette Murphy
Because I Said So: 33 Mothers Write About Children, Sex, Men, Aging, Faith, Race and Themselves
Edited by Camille Peri and Kate Moses
To help all mothers put things in perspective:
Party of Nine: The Triumphs and Traumas of Raising
Sextuplets Plus One
by Jennifer Hanselman
And finally, for a good laugh:
Chicken Soup for the Soul: Cartoons for Moms
Edited by John McPherson
